5 things that I have done this month that I doubt that you have.

1. Been driven several times by drunken motor bike taxi drivers.

2. Had unprotected sex with a sex worker.

3. Had an unrousable sleep in a public place.

4. Partied for three days throwing water over complete strangers and them loving me for it.

5. Been ignored in a queue because I am white.



Now none of the above make me neither big nor clever but I just wanted to share it with you anyway……thanks heaven the rain has come to Bangkok and there is hope that we can survive this pressure cooker of a city for another year…….

Patpong Webcam... DA GOAT CAM!!

Oh da Polis have cammed up the Patpong area of Bangkok now and turned it into what they call a Security Zone. This means that the Constabuuuuuuuules sitting in their Polis Box on Suriwongse Road can now play space invaders in their rest time but if they really want they can also look at all the goats going to work as well.

Anyway I believe that Da Wizard is the first to offer it.... DA GOAT CAM!! Click on the link above to have the Police view of the most infamous Red Light District in Bangkok. Just so you know the Thaniya Cams are the for the Ogoato Kawasaki (Hookers for the Japs no white people allowed) and the other Cams are for the standard mountain Goats for us! Have a click and a nose....you may even spot the Wizard, Homer or Ralph on a mission.

A Pampered Sunday!! Quality time with Ralph

Well after the weeks debauchery what with glass in my feet, twisted knee and sore ankle Da Wizard thought that enough was enough. Got up at 5.30.. avoided the hair of the dog...browsed Ebay for a while and saw the competition made 2300AUD on the sale of one stone yesterday!!

Thought that Chatuchak Market might be a good idea...supposedly one of the world's busiest markets ma-self and Ralph hopped the Sky train and wandered in to JJ as it's known. Ralph as always on the Quest for Dog pics me rather hoping to find something being sold that was intoxicating in the local medicine,as we have been told that Kratom is now tolerated again here in Thailand. I tried it once in Bali where its legal and it was fun so we had a nose around.

After about 5 minutes I realised that I hadn't the faintest idea really what I was looking for. I decided I hardly am going to ask in case my source who says it's ok is wrong and I end up getting chained to the floor for 10 years just cos I wanna try something different!!

I am sweating like a XXXX on a Rape Charge and decide that its best to buy a 2$ set of sunglasses and bail back to the aircon. I now remember why I don't go to JJ on a Sunday...too hot too many people and anyway I hate shoppping!!

So it was off to the Ascott on Sathorn...they do a great brunch there for 550bht inc Bloody Mary (although not free flow) so I gorged myself there and then Grandad called and suggested Afternoon Tea at the Oriental. Well not being known for not taking care of myself and considering the potential for carding Goats at the World's Finest Hotel, we trotted back home, put on our gald rags and headed for the 5 Star Gaff.

It hasn't been mentioned here but Da Wizard is now officially on a diet. 106kg and obese is what I have been described as three weeks ago by my Doc so ignoring the arguments about the fact I weigh 90kg when not training so therefore I would be better off not going to the gym I am now on a diet.

BUT NOT YESTERDAY!

I have just been drinking two Herbal Life shakes a day and having one meal (healthy) each day. I haven't however stopped my vast consumption of Alcohol....weighed in this morning at 94Kg at the gym but I can't see the scales being right and me being that light....anyway...I digress! Back to yesterday......

Oriental Hotel.....famous cos of Noel Coward etc etc...colonial, amazing service, feeling of a bygone era on the banks of the Chao Praya River.... great afternoon tea costing 25$ a head...Da Wizard enjoyed it as did his eating partners....expensive as fuck, but hey its won the 'Finest Hotel of the Year" more times than any other and anyway 25$ a head is nothing in the West.... If you are in Bangkok go do it.. waitresses were cute too.... no cards given out though this time.....slowly slowly catchie Goatie!

Bamboo bar this week is going to be reviewed from our unique point of view. I am informed that the Goats are plentiful and of quality....well really they should be at the Oriental shouldn't they....? But they are all sisters upside down!!!

Infectious Insanity. Only in Thailand!!

Only in Thailand can this happen...three monster days when the whole country stops, Gets drinkin' and gets down to partyin' New year Thai style....Can't beat it....if you have never seen it then you are missing one of the wonders of the world. Makes me proud to be a guest here....100% fun overload. Da Wizard now has glass in his feet and looks about 103 years old. Time to rest.

Songkran Is Here! " Sawadee Bpee Mai! "

Ok its finally here Songkran or Thai New Year. This plunges the whole country into a state of complete madness for three days when all people do is through water at each other, drink and dance on the streets in a spectacle that each and everyone of you should see before you die. The pic above was taken two years ago but you get the general idea right?

It gets a bit tiresome by Day 3 but Da Wizard really likes it for the first couple of days...who wouldn't? Scantily clad Goats, all full of alcohol and fun. Great fun and in Bangkok its all quite peaceful. In Pattaya, where the insanity continues for a week, people always get killed from drink driving or violence as it does get rather out of hand.

I tried to buy a waterproof casing for the camera but couldn't get one. I will take the camera out in the morning but not sure how many pics we will get.

Its three days of party beginning tonight. As I speak Homer is in Patpong undoubtedly getting drowned as the lunatic Goats start Songkran too early........

Hope we survive a 3 day party....watch this space and you will know.

How to Make Serious Money From your Blog

Ok we are all members of Blog Explosion or such other traffic builders that generate looks and some, albeit limited interest in our Blogs.
I now know of the most amazing way that you can promote your Blog, make serious money from it (between 1000$ and 3000$ a month AND help starving children using Save The Children at the same time. Now this scheme isn't launched as yet and doesn't until 5th June this year HOWEVER I am fortunate to be close personal friends with the owner of the company.

So if you would like to be one of the first few people to benefit from this scheme then please email me and I will tell you more about it. I am thrilled about the chance to make money AND do some good so if you feel the same way please send me your details and get in before the rabble do. Its free to register.....why wouldn't you?

We now have a begging bowl!

Yesterday I was asked why I didn't have a begging bowl link on da Blog. I hadn't really thought anyone would wanna leave me any money for da Blog but I thought why not? I think by the amount of abusive emails I get from scarey American females I think I am not likely to collect much, but anyway if you feel like supporting a bad cause click on my donate button on the left hand side of the page and send me some money? Now how much do I think you will send? I can't believe that anyone will send anything really but apparantly the standard for Pro Bloggers is about 20$ a donation.

Notice I used the word 'Pro Bloggers'. Believe it or not there are people out there who are making a living just Blogging away day in day out. There is this one guy called Andrew Sullivan who they claim earned 80 000$ in his last pledge week. Now that seems impossible but I read it on the Net so it must be true? :)

Mystique Club Soi 31 Bangkok

Mystique is supposed to be the greatest place happening currently in Bangkok. Stories of wild parties, great music and Goats in abundance pushed Homer, Ralph and Da Wizard to go take a look. We attended the opening night sometime ago but didn’t like the clientele. Generally as you all know , people at opening night tend to NOT be the sort of people that will regularly use a place after its honeymoon period.

Last night was ladies night so we thought it would be a great opportunity to cut the odd glamorous Goat from the herd or at least get some cards out for future sorties.

BOLLOX!

This is my review of Mystique.......BOLLOX.

Sure plush lounge type interior, a lovely shark tank behind the bar (poor sharks) and the tunes weren’t bad. However the pace is a terrible design for a club, all the servers were leather capped Gays with attitude and the clientele was designer sweaters with wooly hats on. Euro trash might be a good description. Hey they had topless men dancing on the stage to so if you like to ‘rut’ with French and Italian men then maybe mystique is for you.
The Thai girls in there reminded me of Irish Liverpool Families who had just won the lottery. Trying to be Hi So but by doing so were becoming a caricature of their own actual class.

We still has left half a bottle of Vodka in Mystique (worth 50$) from last night so if anyone wants it please email me.

Da Wizard ain’t going back!

So then we stormed across the Big Mango, got into Lucifer for 1215 to watch the Goats parade in. Lucifer has a good selection of both straight and hooker Goats but the hooker Goats win in a ratio of about 70/30. Gems can still be found , the music rocks and a bottle of Vodka is half the price of Mystique.

Homer then had an unrousable closely followed by Ralph. Homer bailed without letting me know so I spent half an hour examining the bowel of Lucifer whilst Ralph slumped on the bar.

When home time came Ralph reacted angrily to being disturbed and get this RAN AWAY! She was sprinting through the now collapsing market in Patpong like Lindford Fucking Christy. She alone knows where she was going but she never made it anyway. At 0400hrs this morning I get a call from an authoritative Thai man with no English who informs me that he had captured my Indo Goat. I sussed he was Da Bill and politely expressed by sincere joy and gratitude that she had been saved by the magnaminous Royal Thai Constabulary.

I then asked him where I could go and pick her up but no…his Plodship had other ideas and brought back the said Ralph on the back of his motorbike. I do hope that she didn’t fondle his big gun on the way!

Anyway all is well that ends well. Plod dropped her at the security, I resisted the urge to flog Ralph and hope that she has learned a valuable lesson. Those readers that know Ralph will now be certain that this tough, Batak, Timeshare Monster that we all created is now completely out of control and this is why she is now at her most successful.

Glad it was another night that we survived. I hope one day that this Blog will not be the medium for an obituary for one or more of us. Bangkok has eaten better than us and will do again.

Peace Love Dope...today they bury da Pope!

Da Wizard and His Latest. Pics by Homer

So here are some snaps of a very pleasant hour spent by the poolside.....before the lying of course...Err just so you know Da Wizard has allowed the lies to be told and accepted them. There is obviously a problem that is tough to talk about and the truth as wonderful as it is can be one of the toughest things to actually speak. Watch this space to see what happens... maybe Da Wizard will get burned????

Thai Girls....their lies and the liars that they are!

Ok people You have seen the pic of Da Wizard's latest just down below or click here . Lovely huh? We rate her as a 7/10 for looks but 9/10 for charm, whit and loveliness. (Poll stats from Da Wizard and Homer).

Now she is supposedly low mileage 2 or 3 owners from new, university educated, good job , parents not totally skint and as she doesn't want a boyfriend an ideal candidate for Mia Noi (2nd wife) for Da Wizard. Ralph doesn't object either so its all looking good.

Then this week it started as it always does...straight girls OR hookers....THE LIES!!

I decided not to give you the whole sick buffalo story as it would take too long and I have to try and make a living rather than sit here all-day and blog. Anyway I decided that I would leave some facts about how to deal with the lying Thai Goat.

1. Remember that this lying is somewhat of a cultural thing. Eg Prostitution is a illegal here in Thailand but hey take a look in Rathcchada , Petburi etc.

2. You ain't gonna change it. She will lie and guess what? You will too. Learn to roll with it.

3.If she has been a hooker then ask your self this question. If you stopped supporting her what would she do? If the answer is she would go back to whoring then all you are doing my friend is leasing a Thai hooker(standard current rate 20 000bht a month).
95% of thai girls support themselves without being hookers so why can’t yours?

4. Always read her SMS messages from her phone but never let her know that you do. Any man pretending to be or that she says is 'just friend' is trying to or is humping your Goat. You will know from the SMS as to whether she genuinely has a platonic relationship or not.

Da Wizard recommends this tip too. Tell your goat that the Farang here can pay DTAC or 12Call 5000bht and they give us a printout of the SMS's that have been sent. Of course you would never do that but that service is available. This makes the average Goat wary and makes her think that you are not the ruthless man that you will need to be to make this relationship work.

5. Bug the home computer . Great Key Loggers can be bought for very little money on the Internet. I use Actmon from Iopus. This will give you access to her email passwords etc and chat conversations.
I just used it to recover this posting too as my PC crashed and all my liitle whitty muses were nearly lost.
Not checking her email and other computer activity during the initial months is just foolish on your behalf. Remember Thai girls of all backgrounds 'have a Pandora’s box of lies under their beds each of which has never been heard of by human ear' Mostly though the lies are transparent but the Westerner just doesn’t want to believe. Oh ya forget her right to privacy! What about your right not to get fucked over and get a broken heart? Take a look at this horror story here.

6. This sending money home malarchy. Get real about it. Look at what decent people send home... and don't send more. If your Goat's family is a thieving, grabbing, up country mafia type, then do ‘Wake UP’ and go get another one. Finding great Goats is easy whatever your age or finances. The devil that you already know may not be better

Now this posting is somewhat cynical but trust me, we all get burned. Its a fact of Asia not just Thailand BUT Da Wizard is not as cynical as some.

Don't heed da rules and you will get eaten. Here is what another great Bangkok Blogger has to say :

”If your girlfriend used to be a hooker, then she is already addicted to fucking other men for pleasure and profit and will never change. She assumed that you knew this and would ignore her infidelities so long as she was discreet. She lied to save your feelings and your face. You must either put up with it, or find a respectable girl. It’s your call.”

7. Da Wizard's personal rule is that Thai girls make great mistresses but lousy girlfriends. Of the many many people that i know I only know of two relationships that I could call successful with Thai girls. The comment "There are no such things as bad dogs just bad owners" is relavant here.

8. Don't buy land or build a house in her village unless you want to live in it yourself. And if you do put it in a company name not hers.

9.P.S. Da Wizard is as stoopid as the next one and probably wanted to write this post as much to re-warn himself. Besides you guys reading this have a girl that is different right? NOT!

Bombs and Travel warnings in Thailand

There have recently been bombs and travel warnings made by the US and UK governments after the three bombs that rocked the South of Thailand 2 days ago.

As terrible as these events were lets all keep it in perspective:-

1. They are happening in the South away from the Tourist areas.

2. The Thai government and Thai people are not Muslim and so do not give the tacit support that countries ,like Indonesia do, to terrorists and their organisations (remember the Indo vice-president still refers to Basyir who sent the bombers out to Bali as 'his friend'.)

3. The Mus know that the Thais are not shy of introducing Draconian measures should the bombs be sent to Bangkok or other tourist spots. They don't wanna see their families slaughtered anymore than we do. Thaksin, as much as he hates us Westerners, hates the Mus a lot more and recognises that without Whitey Thailand struggles.

This is Da Wizard's Latest

Dangerous huh?... nuff said.

Err I think the Pope was a nice guy but....

There can be no doubt that Pope John Paul was a great statesman. I disagree with his stand on abortion, contraception and the spread of Aids through the use of condoms but he was a great intellectual who was perfectly entitled to his opinion as we all are.

Lets be quite clear though, the Catholic church is an Evil, irrelavant organisation which still excommunicates people for using contraception in the countries where it can (eg: Phillipines).
I find the fact that all the heads of State that are busy meandering to the Vatican for his funeral quite disgusting as it lends credence to a corrupt digustingly wealthy business organisation that is 100% irrelavant in todays modern world. Oh ya and all you bible bashing American viewers of my blog....' Go stick it up ya hoop'. You are even more hypocritical.... if there was a God and he was fair then both you and the Vatican would be past tense.